Heat Pants & Humiliating Moments

Sometimes my kid will do something so hysterical that I have to rush to find a quiet spot to jot the entire thing down in order to memorialize it. Recently Nikolai was frustrated with me because we sat in the parking lot of dollar general for a solid 30 minutes due to me having had one of those moments.

Tears were pouring down my face and I just had to get it on paper. Prior to this event, I needed to hit up the store for some odds and ends so I grabbed Tallulah and was nearly late picking up Nikolai up from school. Tallulah is going through her first heat cycle and I thought we were getting through it beautifully up until she began driving me to insanity with her restlessness. It helps exhaust her by working her brain as well as her body, so she needed to come with me. I was almost late because I had to search the house to find her heat pants. Last time when I forgot to grab them, she made a mess in my car. Nikolai was screaming with horror from being stuck in the back seat with her. He suddenly began yelling something along the lines of “MOM! TULLA GOT BLOOD ON MY CAR SEAT!!” Whoops! Insert puke emoji here.

It’s a bit awkward taking my service-dog-in-training to public places while wearing doggy underwear. A normal dog being in a store draws a lot of attention. A dog being in a store wearing doggie underwear draws ALL the attention. Most of the time it’s because people are wondering why a service dog isn’t potty trained and I find myself having to defend her honor. So once I got her heat pants on and finally picked Doodles (Nikolai) up from school, the three of us piled out of the car and made our way into Dollar General. Every eye turned to look at us from the moment we walked in because… heat pants.

So we’re browsing the isles with a good amount of people surrounding us and that’s when Nikolai spotted a nut cracker with a sparkling blue jacket, black boots, and a red top hat. Nikolai gasps with delight and so begins one of my favorite new memories.

Nikolai shouts at me “MOM! LOOK AT THIS NUTCRACKER!”

“Cool! Put it back” I respond firmly.

“BUT MOM! I NEED TO CRACK NUTS! You don’t get it.”

“I DO get it Nikolai, but no… you really don’t need it. Please put it back.” I laughed a little, shook my head and continued browsing further down the aisle with Tallulah at my side.

“BUT MOM! I NEED TO CHOMP SOME NUTS! I’ve never had a nut cracker before! LOOK AT HIM! We have nuts, I NEED to chomp them!”

I could feel my face beginning to flush so I tried talking in a more hushed tone. “Settle down. Please for the love of all things holy stop yelling that.”

This only animated his plea and furthered my humiliation. “CHOMP! CHOMP! NUTS! I NEED TO CHOMP ALL THE NUTS! LOOK AT HIS MOUTH MOM!”

“Look mom, we have TONS of nuts at home. TONS! I HAVE to have it! I wanna see him chomp the nuts! I HAVE to do this! I HAVE to chomp ALL the nuts mom!”

By this point I think I’m dying… of humiliation… of laughter… of my mind being in the gutter. I was sure I was going to Hell for thinking of the wrong kind of nuts but as it turned out, I wasn’t the only one.

Nikolai at this point had created a song that he was sing-shouting at the top of his lungs. “CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP ALL THESE NUTS!”

Tears of joy poured down my Santa-Clause-red cheeks and refused to stop. A fellow mom with two teenagers standing in the aisle with me began hyperventilating from trying to hold in the laughter.

She choked out “Oh my Lord. Your kid… just made my day. PLEASE tell me you’re buying that for him.”  

I’m not usually one to give in to any kind of pleading but this time I ceded with “I guess I have to now!”

Nikolai was enjoying the attention at this point and asked if he made us laugh and I quipped “You sure did buddy, but not for the reasons that you think.”

Yet another mom to a couple of younger kids (who were wandering around the balloon aisle), was laughing so hard she was snorting pig noises and her chest was heaving. I didn’t think at this point that the conversation with Nikolai could get any more humiliating… but I was wrong.

Nikolai upon learning that I was giving in to his plea started dancing in the middle of Dollar General on the way to the checkout counter shouting “YAY! You’re the BEST mom EVER! Thanks for letting me chomp nuts at home mom! I LOVE chomping nuts! I can’t wait to chomp SO many nuts mom!”

A third mother and several employees were doubled over and somewhere in the store somebody was gasping for air and begging the Lord to make it stop while another employee exclaimed “I think I peed myself!”

I KNEW I had peed a little (product of having had a kid that was bouncing on my bladder at one point of time in my life) so I decided that it was time to head home. Nikolai spent over an hour searching our house for the almonds I like to snack on. When he crawled into my arms empty handed, his face was wearing a forlorn expression.

He looked up at me with glossy eyes and with a straight face exclaimed “I don’t have any nuts mom.”

They fell asleep while waiting for me to finish writing

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s